a time of faithfulness

I want to tattoo this verse on my heart as a constant reminder to myself of God's great faithfulness to me, for times when I don't feel it as clearly as I do right now. 

(Image from this flickr account, found on Pinterest) 

 

a time of upheaval

(***I wrote this post this past spring, shortly after moving to my new city. I feared posting it primarily to spare the feelings of my few faithful readers, because I feared it would cause them pain or make them angry at me. I'm posting it now because the distance of time has given me clarity on these matters, and I no longer feel quite so alone. In fact, several circumstances have changed, as well as my mindset towards them. More importantly, my heart has been broken, in a good way. But the despair I felt when writing this was genuine, and as such, these words are a clear depiction of what my life felt like just a few short months ago. I give glory to God for the changes in my heart and life since then. Smugness in one's circumstance is not joy, and hopefully enduring a difficult time only to have things improve will produce a more steady joy, rather than fleeting happiness, in my life.)
______


"My life is different now, I swear... " 
- The Avett Brothers

In the recesses of my mind, I've been pondering how to write this post- what tack I should take, how much I should share, how long I should discuss it. All of that thinking failed to produce any type of actionable plan, so here I am, just pouring out my words. Since this blog has no real purpose for existing at present (other than being my thought journal), I'm hoping writing this out will help me continue to process the past 4-15 months.

I am adrift in a sea of change.

I no longer have the job I've had since 2004.
I'm no longer in school, for the first time in my life.
I no longer live in the same place I used to,
the only place I've ever lived outside my parents' house.

I no longer live in my house.

I lived in my house, the house my husband and I bought, alone. For one year.
During that time, it didn't even look like my house. It was not the same.
It was like living in a dream, literally.

I miss my house.
At the same time, the very thought of that house fills me with bitterness,
and I wish it had never existed.
Because no one will buy my house. No one will even make me an offer.
No one will make it so that I don't have to pay for a mortgage on a house I don't live in,
in a different state.

Now I live in an apartment in the suburbs. I cannot wait to move again.

I cannot buy another house because I already have a house payment.
On a house in a different state.
My belongings are scattered between the house and the apartment,
or boxed up in purgatory, waiting.
The apartment is full of unpacked boxes.

My commute to work takes 90 minutes. Each way.

That's right, I have a new job.

It is the first job I've held in my career of choice. It is terrifying.
I cannot put into words why it is so terrifying.
Here are the closest words I can find- imposter syndrome, friendlessness,
unfamiliarity, new responsibilities, no safety net.

Most of all, my experiences of the past year or so can be summed up
in 2 words: LEFT BEHIND.

Life in my old city, in my old workplace, in the church I was attending,
is continuing without me.
It is more than continuing without me.
It's thriving in my absence.
The gaps created by my absence are closing.
The impact I left behind is disappearing.
I am forgettable.

And now I feel that, more than ever before, life itself is leaving me behind.
This year I have had over 30 pregnant friends.
That's only counting the women who were/are physically pregnant,
not their partners or anyone who adopted.

I am not pregnant.
I am not sure I will ever become pregnant.

It is at this point in my inner musings that I begin to get angry at God.

Sometimes it feels like friendships only provide pain,
with their ripe grounds for comparison,
and their ability to be so quickly euthanized by distance.

Sometimes I feel like my only function in life is whining to God about poor little me.

Sometimes I think I must be a wicked person, who cannot acknowledge the happiness of
others without acknowledging the absence of that particular happiness in her own life.

Sometimes I tell myself I'm a masochist as I compulsively check social media,
involuntarily eager to glean more information that might further hurt my feelings.

Sometimes I don't feel like crying, but I can't stop.
Because I'm tired of treading water to keep my head above the surface.
And I am so tired of praying for relief, for sureness, for settledness and rightness and
security and true joy, because I know, in my bones, 
that happiness in circumstance is fleeting and is not the source of such joy.

Sometimes it seems like the only way this feeling will end is by cutting ties
with my old city and my old friends and my old job, and just starting over from scratch.

It is a time of upheaval.

epiphany

Chicago skyline at dusk, 2009

God will bless whomever He wants to bless, 

and show favor to whomever He chooses. 

I cannot earn it, and I cannot hasten it, 

so it'd be best if I just quit trying so hard 

and concentrate on what He has given me already. 

Says my brain to my heart.

saw this today

...and it made me laugh! I think the dissertation writing/defending and graduation hoop-jumping have started to give me a similarly snarky mindset in dealing with reviewers, etc:

wrongcards.com

That's basically what the first draft of a rebuttal letter sounds like! :)

(A WORD OF WARNING if you go to that site: some of the cards are mean, dark, gross, and completely unfunny. This one, spotted on another blog, make me smile though.)


(PS- a LOT has been going on in my life lately and I'm gearing up to write about it, but I'm not ready just yet. So stay tuned!)

New Shoe Love

I saw them today, for the first time.
And since that moment, it's been hard to stop thinking about them.
I'm speaking (of course) of the new TOMS spring line.

Let me back up for a second and start from the beginning.

For the uninitiated, TOMS Shoes is a company whose ultimate goal is providing footwear to children in the developing world. Since being founded in 2006 by Blake Mycoskie, TOMS has used the "One for One" concept as their business model- for each pair of TOMS shoes purchased, a second pair is made and given away to a child who needs them. A few years ago, Hubby and I had a chance to see Blake speak and watch a documentary of his work. It was very moving, and we found ourselves really impressed by his intelligence and his desire to serve the world around him. Not long after (well, it felt like a long time because I did a LOT of online window-shopping and some real-life window-shopping first; I've mentioned how great Hubby and I are at the research stage of a project), we each got our first pair of TOMS:

women's light blue linen bridgeport classics

men's navy bimini stitchouts

They're cute, right? Well, we love 'em!

They're also extremely comfortable, and VERY versatile. My pair look equally great with jeans as they do with skirts/dresses. They're safe enough to wear to work, but lighter weight than socks and sneakers. In the spring or fall, I can wear them with tights for additional warmth. I really love them! I love them so much...

...I want another pair. In a different color.

And that brings us back to the spring collection I just spotted today, that started my TOMS yearning anew! Here are my current faves:

Women's vegan lilac passport classics

Women's vegan black passport classics

But then again, I might try to hold off buying another pair until I see what they're coming out with for summer. Last summer for the first time, they offered these delightful wedges in a rainbow of colors and adorable stripes:

See those orange stripey ones at the bottom? I had never considered buying orange shoes before I saw those last year.  I would have called them "my little creamsicles" and loved them forever. (sob)

Shoe regret. It pains me so!

But I digress.

I'm seriously considering investing in another pair sometime this year. Now, as a card-carrying thrifty gal, I must tell you that TOMS are not cheap- they range anywhere from $44 (for the most basic pair) up to $69 for the wedges. While many people are used to paying that price for shoes, I am not. But, I think of it as buying 2 pairs of shoes for that price and giving one pair away, which is essentially what you're doing when you purchase TOMS. And even I am okay with spending $20-$30 a pair on shoes, especially for such a great cause. :)

I'll keep you posted as to what I ultimately wind up getting! Would you consider buying TOMS? Which pair(s) do you like the best? The website is full of different designs and colors; for instance, they have sequined TOMS that girls wear to the prom! Cute and comfy- I would totally have done that. :)

(PS- I realize in hindsight that this reads as one big giant commercial for TOMS. These are just my opinions, and they haven't given me any compensation for sharing them with you. But if you're reading, Blake, I love your shoes and your company! Please hire me to be your spokesperson/shoe tester!)

In my heart this week...

from our honeymoon in Mexico, 2005

When I said, "My foot is slipping,"

your love, O LORD, supported me.

When anxiety was great within me,

your consolation brought joy to my soul.

Psalm 94:19

driving school with Heather

I take driving very seriously. So does my dear friend Amy. She has a post up today about different types of dumb driving behaviors. Her #3 issue (People Who Brake Uphill) is, I believe, indicative of a larger problem- a group I would like to call "People Who Do Not Understand How To Use (And Not Use) The Pedals Properly". (PWDNUHTUANUTPP for short. It's quite a name!) To these people: You can do better! FINESSE THE PEDALS, DRIVERS OF THE WORLD. It's safer and will save you money! And other drivers will appreciate it. "Cool! But how do I do that?", you ask. Here, let me explain...

Sick

This week has involved a lot of this...

(source)

Some prudent advice

Jamie, one of the authors of the hit blog Prudent Baby, has written a book of advice for her daughter called Prudent Advice. 500 pieces of this advice, which Jamie calls "A collection of lessons of questionable importance to share with my daughter before we grow up", can be found at Prudent Advice for my Baby Daughter. I find this idea and the advice offered to be utterly delightful!! So, I thought I would share some of my favorite bits with you (with a little of my commentary in italics), after the jump...

Stuff Heather Likes

The ironic, hipsters-who-make-fun-of-hipsters blog Stuff White People Like keeps a running tally of cultural references, customs, foods, etc. that white people (young middle class hipsters, generally) like.  I had seen the blog quite awhile ago but since it updates fairly infrequently (the authors oh-so-ironically got a book deal!), I hadn't checked it in quite some time. Today, in a fit of internet boredom, I checked the full list just to see if anything new I liked had popped up ...

A lingering obsession

For the past 2-3 winters, I have nurtured a desire for the perfect pair of gray boots. Last year, I found some that I loved, but was just too cheap spend $130 on boots I hadn't tried on. (Also, I've never spent that much money on any item of clothing!) But they were lovely: