One Moment in Time

(does anyone else start belting like Whitney after reading those words?)

Well, it's getting down to the wire here, pregnancy-wise. I'm at 35 weeks today (although people helpfully point out that I look like I could pop at any time, on a daily basis). This past weekend, Jon and Baby G and I were blessed with a baby shower by our dear friend, Amy. I had a wonderful time, especially seeing the sweet friends I'd been missing and visiting with Amy and her family. While we were back in our old city for the shower and other fun things, it hit me how these fun, grown-up, young-adult things will fade away from my life for awhile after the baby comes. So I thought it would be interesting (probably only to me) to write down the sort of things I am enjoying right now, what I like to do in my free time, etc., here in my last month of being a non-parent:

TV- We don't have cable or a DVR anymore, but we still have shows we follow, either with our digital antenna or on Hulu Plus. Our current favorites from the past few months are Parks & Recreation, Downton Abbey, The Voice, The Sing-Off, and Parenthood. Favorite DVDs (or Netflix archives) of shows are Gilmore Girls, Futurama, and American Pickers.

Music- Right now the entire world is obsessed with Adele, to the point where I'm getting a little tired of her. Most of the radio stations in our new city are NOT yet tired of her, so she is constantly on the radio here. (At least it's better than last spring, right after I moved, when the every radio station was obsessed with Muse.) "Somebody That I Used to Know" by Gotye (featuring Kimbra) is the hot single right now on pop/rock stations; so far I'm enjoying it, but I foresee it going the way of "Pumped Up Kicks" (death by overexposure) if it stays on heavy rotation for months. There is a fair amount of Whitney Houston music still getting memorial airtime. Also big right now in a more indie/rock way: The Civil Wars (yay!), Lana Del Ray (boooo), Florence And The Machine (getting overexposed as well), and Jack White (ambivalent). On my personal playlist, I've been enjoying some favorites on shuffle- The Avett Brothers, Band of Horses, Guster, Relient K, Fleet Foxes, and some older stuff (randomness from Carly Simon to Toto to Oasis). Finally, I'm working on drafting playlists for when I'm labor and for after Baby G is here, and it's hard!

Movies- Just saw The Hunger Games and it was great! We don't go to the movies very often (3-4 times a year, at max) so it's always a big event to go to the theatre and buy popcorn. Having read and loved the book, the Hunger Games movie was pretty satisfying, especially Jennifer Lawrence as the heroine Katniss. I was able to coax Jon into reading the first book, and he enjoyed it enough that he finished the trilogy in about a week's time! (I just love it when someone genuinely likes something I recommended to them!) Hopefully when Catching Fire comes out next year, we'll be able to go see it too.

Books- I've been reading a lot of parenting books, which is no surprise. Some I've enjoyed (The Baby Whisperer), some I've hated (La Leche League's hateful, out-of-date propaganda), and some I've been using a reference material (What to Expect...). We'll probably be purchasing at least a few more reference books for Baby G's first year of life, etc. ...I don't think the current parenting book trend is going away for me! Being pregnant and working full-time, so much of my free time and energy now goes to resting and nesting instead of fun reading. Hopefully that's something I'll be able to add back into my life before too long. In the meantime, I just keep adding things to my Goodreads queue, as is my wont.

Travel- in the last 6 months, I've been to Washington DC, back to my home state for the holidays, back to Old City 3-4 times, and to the mountains for at least half a dozen weekend trips. In other words, Jon and I were on the road about every other weekend during this pregnancy. We travel kind of a lot, mostly to see family (we are the most mobile, I guess?). I don't foresee this continuing once Baby G arrives, so it will be interesting to see if we get visitors more often! The perks to traveling less? Because we'll be spending fewer weekends out of town, the work weeks won't be quite so exhausting, and we'll be able to attend our new church more often. Maybe we'll even start to feel more settled here in our new city. Even though I generally love to travel, I confess I'm looking forward to there being less of it in the near-future.

Free Time- In my free time (not including time spent doing the stuff listed above), I sleep or at least stay still and try to let my body rest. Working 50-hour weeks at an active job while pregnant is not very restful, and my nighttime sleep is not as restorative as it once was, so I am just tired a lot. I know it will be nothing compared to how tiring a newborn is (boy, do people love telling me that!), but to me, it's about as tired as I can ever remember feeling, day after day. So, resting is good. Also, because it is hilarious and also true, I am going to mention an iPhone app that I'm currently enjoying- Draw Something! It's like Pictionary but since you're drawing on a smart phone touchscreen, the pictures look like drunken fingerpaintings. I'm not sure if it's more fun to try to draw things like "Tebowing", or to try and guess them! Free time, I will remember you fondly.

Ok, that was my "before she had a kid" cultural wrap-up for my late-20s, non-parent self in 2012. Other than that stuff, it is spring and time to nest! Jon and I are pretty much preparing for Baby G in every spare moment, whether it's planning, shopping, taking childcare classes, or whatever else is currently on the to-do list. Jon has really taken the lead as far as preparing our home for the baby, and it's awesome! It's not just that he's helpful to me, because that implies that getting ready for the baby is somehow my job and not his. It's more than that- he is an active partner even at this pre-parenting stage, and I LOVE IT. We work together, I give my opinions when I have them, and he makes it happen while making sure I'm not overdoing it. Watching him do things for our boy is already one of my favorite things. :)

Hope everyone else is having a lovely spring. I'll try harder to keep the blog updated as we get closer to Baby G's arrival!

~Heather

A Tale Begun

Friends, we are expecting a baby boy this spring! Hubby and I are overjoyed, and our lives now seem to be filled with preparations for our new arrival. (I will be posting more about it as we get closer.) This time in our lives is reminded me of a poem I heard once read during an NPR interview, about 4 or 5 years ago. The interview was with Wislawa Szymborska, a Polish poet who won the Nobel Prize in 1996. I was reminded of her work again today when it was announced that she'd passed away. Though the segment discussed many of Szymborska's poems, they ended the segment with a reading of a poem she published in 1993, in a collection entitled,"View With a Grain of Sand". The poem is "A Tale Begun", and it opens:

The world is never ready
for the birth of a child.

That's certainly how life feels right now to me! Every movement, every molecule of energy is directed by the anticipation of our son's coming, in getting our world ready for him. It is a busy time, with lots of joy and happiness, but also worries and weaknesses that accompany such a life change. It is a time of renewed gratitude and awareness of God's faithfulness as we endure these new challenges and prepare for all of the ones that lie ahead. The last two stanzas of the poem end in a sort of prayer for the coming child, and these are the words that have stuck with me for the past several years:

May delivery be easy,
may our child grow and be well.
Let him be happy from time to time
and leap over abysses.
Let his heart have strength to endure
and his mind be awake a reach far.


But not so far
that it sees into the future.
Spare him 
that one gift,
O heavenly powers.

-Wislawa Szymborska
(Polish Nobel laureate in Poetry, who passed away at age 88, yesterday)

I could sit here and dissect what it is I love about the specific, measured wording of these wishes-- for health, first and foremost; for happiness (but not continual, monotonous happiness); for the ability to overcome and endure things. But I most love the mental image of a mind that is awake and can reach far. Such a powerful gift that would be!

And yet, at the end, she cannot help but temper even that wish with a request for a protective limit.
It says so much about the heart of a parent, to me. And also, of our temptation to want to snatch control away from an all-powerful, all-loving God.
Beautiful, evocative stuff.

~Heather

a time of faithfulness

I want to tattoo this verse on my heart as a constant reminder to myself of God's great faithfulness to me, for times when I don't feel it as clearly as I do right now. 

(Image from this flickr account, found on Pinterest) 

 

a time of upheaval

(***I wrote this post this past spring, shortly after moving to my new city. I feared posting it primarily to spare the feelings of my few faithful readers, because I feared it would cause them pain or make them angry at me. I'm posting it now because the distance of time has given me clarity on these matters, and I no longer feel quite so alone. In fact, several circumstances have changed, as well as my mindset towards them. More importantly, my heart has been broken, in a good way. But the despair I felt when writing this was genuine, and as such, these words are a clear depiction of what my life felt like just a few short months ago. I give glory to God for the changes in my heart and life since then. Smugness in one's circumstance is not joy, and hopefully enduring a difficult time only to have things improve will produce a more steady joy, rather than fleeting happiness, in my life.)
______


"My life is different now, I swear... " 
- The Avett Brothers

In the recesses of my mind, I've been pondering how to write this post- what tack I should take, how much I should share, how long I should discuss it. All of that thinking failed to produce any type of actionable plan, so here I am, just pouring out my words. Since this blog has no real purpose for existing at present (other than being my thought journal), I'm hoping writing this out will help me continue to process the past 4-15 months.

I am adrift in a sea of change.

I no longer have the job I've had since 2004.
I'm no longer in school, for the first time in my life.
I no longer live in the same place I used to,
the only place I've ever lived outside my parents' house.

I no longer live in my house.

I lived in my house, the house my husband and I bought, alone. For one year.
During that time, it didn't even look like my house. It was not the same.
It was like living in a dream, literally.

I miss my house.
At the same time, the very thought of that house fills me with bitterness,
and I wish it had never existed.
Because no one will buy my house. No one will even make me an offer.
No one will make it so that I don't have to pay for a mortgage on a house I don't live in,
in a different state.

Now I live in an apartment in the suburbs. I cannot wait to move again.

I cannot buy another house because I already have a house payment.
On a house in a different state.
My belongings are scattered between the house and the apartment,
or boxed up in purgatory, waiting.
The apartment is full of unpacked boxes.

My commute to work takes 90 minutes. Each way.

That's right, I have a new job.

It is the first job I've held in my career of choice. It is terrifying.
I cannot put into words why it is so terrifying.
Here are the closest words I can find- imposter syndrome, friendlessness,
unfamiliarity, new responsibilities, no safety net.

Most of all, my experiences of the past year or so can be summed up
in 2 words: LEFT BEHIND.

Life in my old city, in my old workplace, in the church I was attending,
is continuing without me.
It is more than continuing without me.
It's thriving in my absence.
The gaps created by my absence are closing.
The impact I left behind is disappearing.
I am forgettable.

And now I feel that, more than ever before, life itself is leaving me behind.
This year I have had over 30 pregnant friends.
That's only counting the women who were/are physically pregnant,
not their partners or anyone who adopted.

I am not pregnant.
I am not sure I will ever become pregnant.

It is at this point in my inner musings that I begin to get angry at God.

Sometimes it feels like friendships only provide pain,
with their ripe grounds for comparison,
and their ability to be so quickly euthanized by distance.

Sometimes I feel like my only function in life is whining to God about poor little me.

Sometimes I think I must be a wicked person, who cannot acknowledge the happiness of
others without acknowledging the absence of that particular happiness in her own life.

Sometimes I tell myself I'm a masochist as I compulsively check social media,
involuntarily eager to glean more information that might further hurt my feelings.

Sometimes I don't feel like crying, but I can't stop.
Because I'm tired of treading water to keep my head above the surface.
And I am so tired of praying for relief, for sureness, for settledness and rightness and
security and true joy, because I know, in my bones, 
that happiness in circumstance is fleeting and is not the source of such joy.

Sometimes it seems like the only way this feeling will end is by cutting ties
with my old city and my old friends and my old job, and just starting over from scratch.

It is a time of upheaval.

New Shoe Love

I saw them today, for the first time.
And since that moment, it's been hard to stop thinking about them.
I'm speaking (of course) of the new TOMS spring line.

Let me back up for a second and start from the beginning.

For the uninitiated, TOMS Shoes is a company whose ultimate goal is providing footwear to children in the developing world. Since being founded in 2006 by Blake Mycoskie, TOMS has used the "One for One" concept as their business model- for each pair of TOMS shoes purchased, a second pair is made and given away to a child who needs them. A few years ago, Hubby and I had a chance to see Blake speak and watch a documentary of his work. It was very moving, and we found ourselves really impressed by his intelligence and his desire to serve the world around him. Not long after (well, it felt like a long time because I did a LOT of online window-shopping and some real-life window-shopping first; I've mentioned how great Hubby and I are at the research stage of a project), we each got our first pair of TOMS:

women's light blue linen bridgeport classics

men's navy bimini stitchouts

They're cute, right? Well, we love 'em!

They're also extremely comfortable, and VERY versatile. My pair look equally great with jeans as they do with skirts/dresses. They're safe enough to wear to work, but lighter weight than socks and sneakers. In the spring or fall, I can wear them with tights for additional warmth. I really love them! I love them so much...

...I want another pair. In a different color.

And that brings us back to the spring collection I just spotted today, that started my TOMS yearning anew! Here are my current faves:

Women's vegan lilac passport classics

Women's vegan black passport classics

But then again, I might try to hold off buying another pair until I see what they're coming out with for summer. Last summer for the first time, they offered these delightful wedges in a rainbow of colors and adorable stripes:

See those orange stripey ones at the bottom? I had never considered buying orange shoes before I saw those last year.  I would have called them "my little creamsicles" and loved them forever. (sob)

Shoe regret. It pains me so!

But I digress.

I'm seriously considering investing in another pair sometime this year. Now, as a card-carrying thrifty gal, I must tell you that TOMS are not cheap- they range anywhere from $44 (for the most basic pair) up to $69 for the wedges. While many people are used to paying that price for shoes, I am not. But, I think of it as buying 2 pairs of shoes for that price and giving one pair away, which is essentially what you're doing when you purchase TOMS. And even I am okay with spending $20-$30 a pair on shoes, especially for such a great cause. :)

I'll keep you posted as to what I ultimately wind up getting! Would you consider buying TOMS? Which pair(s) do you like the best? The website is full of different designs and colors; for instance, they have sequined TOMS that girls wear to the prom! Cute and comfy- I would totally have done that. :)

(PS- I realize in hindsight that this reads as one big giant commercial for TOMS. These are just my opinions, and they haven't given me any compensation for sharing them with you. But if you're reading, Blake, I love your shoes and your company! Please hire me to be your spokesperson/shoe tester!)

Some prudent advice

Jamie, one of the authors of the hit blog Prudent Baby, has written a book of advice for her daughter called Prudent Advice. 500 pieces of this advice, which Jamie calls "A collection of lessons of questionable importance to share with my daughter before we grow up", can be found at Prudent Advice for my Baby Daughter. I find this idea and the advice offered to be utterly delightful!! So, I thought I would share some of my favorite bits with you (with a little of my commentary in italics), after the jump...

Stuff Heather Likes

The ironic, hipsters-who-make-fun-of-hipsters blog Stuff White People Like keeps a running tally of cultural references, customs, foods, etc. that white people (young middle class hipsters, generally) like.  I had seen the blog quite awhile ago but since it updates fairly infrequently (the authors oh-so-ironically got a book deal!), I hadn't checked it in quite some time. Today, in a fit of internet boredom, I checked the full list just to see if anything new I liked had popped up ...