Gratitude

I have always had a problem with unfairness, or (more accurately) what I perceive to be unfair.
I can remember as a small child crying to/at my parents over some perceived injustice, wailing,"But it's not fair!" and my father telling me lovingly, but matter-of-factly,"Life is not fair. No one ever said that it was." 
This sensitivity has led me, years ago, to develop my own catch phrase- if I find something to be unfair in my eyes, I say it "violates my sense of fairness".


Now, have an overactive sensitivity to fairness has its perks.  I am freakishly good at evenly dividing things that are meant to be shared.  Also, I think it will aide me somewhat in parenting siblings.  On a more serious note, it has given me a heart for charitable giving and work, to help those that, by the workings of a God whose thoughts I do not understand, are less fortunate than I am.


However, in general, being overly concerned with fairness is a rotten deal.  The work and the giving help keep the guilt at bay.  I should be selling everything I have in my rich, comfortable, American life and giving it to orphans or charities that could desperately use it.  Constantly on the alert for hypocrisy, I have cut people out of my life who do not live up to my fairness standards.  Likewise, on the alert for my own hypocrisy, I have swallowed my true feelings and projected what people want to see, treating them more fairly that I would like, while feeling like the kind of fake hypocrite I despise.  It can be a painful existence.  It makes me a whiny sister, a jealous friend. My problems are so much worse than hers! If only she knew how hard it is to be me.  Or, Why does she get every single thing she wants? Why don't I? God must like her better than He likes me, and that's why He's not blessing me like He's blessing her.  (Oh yes, I even point out to God when I think He's being unfair.) 

And yet, when I am down in the lowly trenches of self-pity...
And yet, when I am drenched in the stench of my own guilt...

I recognize the sin in looking for unfairness, injustice, hypocrisy.
I recognize the sin in me.

Because "having a strong sense of fairness" is just a cover for being judgmental.

God did not appoint me Judge Of The World.  He cares about me, but my feelings do not inform His judgments.  Long ago, He appointed someone to the job of judging the quick and the dead, of determining the fairness of the universe, permanently.  Someone who is one with God, while still knowing every circumstance and situation of the human condition.


He gave that job to Christ.

And furthermore, I have given my life to Christ.  I have, and do on a continual basis, yield my will to the will of God, that He will guide the path of my life in a way that is pleasing to Him.  So drawing erroneous conclusions about how much God loves me versus someone else by comparing our lives in jealousy? That is just ungrateful.  How am I to live a life of praise when I think God is giving me the raw end of the deal? I am ungrateful, to my own detriment.  God really opened my eyes to this yesterday.  Dear one, are you not thankful for all you have been given? Do you not see what I have done for you, am doing for you now? Do you really think I could love any one of my children more than another? My grace is sufficient. My timing is perfect. 

So, once again, I accept His words.  I rest in His promises.  I pray for wisdom and guidance in my own situation, and for grace and acceptance in my dealings with others.  I express my gratitude, my understanding that my life is His work.  And He forgives me, and continues His work, transforming me into a less judgmental, more grateful child of God.  Renovations of the heart, mind, and soul are underway in me.  So please, pardon my dust.